I’ve been pretty quiet here on Insightful Accountant the last few months. It’s now time I told you why.
Following more than a decade of struggling and arguing with aging parents living a Folie à deux existence (whereby each of the two handles tasks the other cannot), the inevitable happened. After more falls than I can count (we may never know), Dad passed away on March 30, and Mom, not having the health, strength or desire to live without him, started to deteriorate right away.
Dad and Mom on their wedding day. Dad had been the decision-maker for virtually their entire 72-year marriage.
She succumbed to high grade B cell lymphoma and passed away on May 26, a mere 57 days after Dad. I’m convinced her cancer was brewing inside for years (she already had a form of Leukemia for which she was being treated). By sheer force of will she stayed alive in order to take care of Dad. She was the embodiment of the mind-body connection.
Dad had been the decision-maker for virtually their entire 72-year marriage. In their specific Folie à deux scenario near the end, he did the mental work while she did the physical. So, when Dad died, Mom had no idea what to do next.
Dad was buried on April 1. Mom needed our help through the funeral, the week-long period of shiva, and beyond. It was not just because she was overwhelmed; let’s face it, we now know she was dying. COVID was a silver lining. We had shiva visitors sign up using a Google sheet and limited the number of visitors each day so as not to overwhelm her any more than she was.
Fast forward to May 26, 2022. Time for another funeral and another shiva.
I don’t think I’ve had time to grieve yet. We have had a lot of stress dealing with the house contents and having to clear them out on a very short timeline. And there’s the money—where was it?
Aside from the fact that Mom and Dad were pack rats, there were two (count ’em, two) pianos and literally thousands of books, much of which was Judaica (Dad was a retired rabbi). Let me tell you now: It is almost impossible to unload books. Believe me, I’ve tried. People have smaller living spaces, and many prefer their reading to be online.
How did I continue to conduct business, keeping a work/life balance in place, during the last decade and, more pointedly, during the last few months?
I’ll get into all of that, but first, let’s take a look at some scary statistics about the aging population.
58% of US adults currently don’t have a will or living trust
For those with children under 18, that number is 64%. FYI, dying without a will is called “intestate.”
While my parents did have wills, I had to guilt my father into getting powers of attorney drawn up. This took place in 2014.
Love on the town. Mom and Dad enjoying a night out.
But guess what happened after that? In 2017, after one of Dad’s countless falls—this particular one in Israel, adding an extra layer of complexity to the situation—we had trouble accessing the wills and the powers of attorney.
Why? Because Mom and Dad had put these documents in their safety deposit box and we (my siblings and I) had no access.
So please, arrange for proper shared safety deposit box access or make sure the beneficiaries have the documents in a secure place in their possession.
Further to that, Mom had no idea where their burial plots were—not just the cemetery, but the country. Fun, right?
47% of Americans have avoided talking to their parents about death
Clearly, it’s not a fun topic, and people steer clear of it.
I tried talking to Dad about it (no point bringing it up with Mom for myriad reasons) and he changed the topic, but not before telling me he was “thinking about it, believe me, Esther.” Yah, right.
25% of Americans will need some type of long-term care before they die
Although I had repeatedly tried to convince Mom and Dad to go into a place where Mom wouldn’t have to be the de facto caregiver for Dad (and they both actually needed the care), I was wasting my breath and my efforts. Dad was the decision-maker.
His decision was that they should stay in their house instead of going into long-term care, despite their medical issues, of which there were many.
Now about those questions I posed:
- Spoiler Alert 1 — We found the money (and I hope we found all of it) and now we are using some extreme methods to clear out the house.
- Spoiler Alert 2 — I stayed in business and had to make some difficult decisions in order to do so.
- Spoiler Alert 3 — I will not put my children through anything even close to this. I promise.
More on that to come...
Esther Friedberg Karp is an internationally-renowned trainer, writer and speaker from Toronto, where she runs her QuickBooks consulting practice, EFK CompuBooks Inc. Consistently in Insightful Accountant's Top 100 ProAdvisors, she has been named to the Top 10 twice.
A ProAdvisor in three countries, she has traveled the world with Intuit, spoken at QuickBooks Connect in San Jose and Toronto, among other places, and has written countless articles for Intuit Global.
Esther has been named one of the “Top 50 Women in Accounting,” a “Top 10 Influencer” in the Canadian Bookkeeping World, and is a repeat nominee for the “RBC Canadian Women’s Entrepreneur Awards.” She counts among her clients many international companies, as well as accounting professionals seeking her out on behalf of their own clients for her expertise in multi-currency and various countries’ editions of QuickBooks Desktop and Online.
She can be reached at esther@e-compubooks.com or 416-410-0750.
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